One trillion million dollars richer.
I really am a boring person. I spend the majority of my time working, sleeping, playing The Sims or some other game, reading, watching TV–well, you get the idea. I like to stay at home and be a lazy bum.
Despite this, on the rare occasion that I do leave my apartment, the stupidest and most absurd fucking shit happens. Tonight was one of those nights.
On my way home from work, I stopped by Barnes and Noble. I’ve been flying through my Sookie Stackhouse vampire novels like mad and didn’t want to wait for the next one to ship from Amazon. I took a little while longer than I intended, because despite the fact that the series is getting an HBO show made out of it (or perhaps because of it?), they didn’t have many of the books. So I went searching around a bit to make sure they weren’t on a special display somewhere. And they weren’t, of course, College Station Barnes and Noble just sucks. But they had two of the four I was going for, so I guess that’s okay.
Andy has been sick so he asked if I could pick up dinner on the way home. We decide on McAlister’s Deli. He calls it in and I take off. McAlister’s is quite close to B&N, so I sit in my car and read the back of my new books for a few minutes before walking in to get the food.
I’m still early when I walk in, and no one is in front of the to-go checkout line. So I just stand there and look around at the lovely wall decorations. Well, a minute or two later, an older woman walks in the door, looking like she too is waiting for a to-go order. She stands behind me a few seconds, and then taps me on the shoulder.
Uh oh.
Her: “Did you know I’ve been praying for you?”
Me: “Huh?”
Her: “I saw you out in the car, and I just wanted to let you know I was praying to God about you.”
Now, at this point, bear in mind I’m in College Station, Texas which is why I assumed what I did. This woman had white hair tied back in a low bun and was wearing a long flower-patterned dress. My first thoughts of course were that she was some religious fanatic trying to sell me on something.
Then she opened her mouth some more. I will tell you she said all of these things, and I’m not exaggerating, though I may get them out of actual order, as my brain was in OHMYSHIT mode the entire time.
Her: “I’ve been talking to God, and I want to tell you that we’re going to make you like you were when you were 15. You’ll never grow a day older again.”
(I did not enjoy being 15, it was an awful, yucky, awkward stage and why anyone would want to be 15 for life is beyond me.)
Her, continuing: “You’ll never gain any more weight–and your teeth, let me see your teeth.”
She then grins to show her teeth and tells me to do this as well so she can get a look at them. I oblige.
Her: “Well your teeth are pretty white and straight. Okay, God? Do you hear me? We’ll keep her teeth exactly as they are now. Okay. What eye color would you like? Aqua?”
Me: “I kinda like my eye color as it is now.”
Her: “Okay, God, she likes her eye color, we’ll keep that the same. How about your hair? Is that your natural hair color?”
Me: “Well the roots are.” I bend down to show her. HAHA.
Her, pointing to the middle of my hair: “Well, let’s make her hair this golden red color all over forever. How about your bra size? How tall are you? 5′8″?”
Me: “No, I’m 5′6″.”
Her: “Oh okay, so what do you want a B cup?”
I shrugged. (I’m a D by the way, lol.)
Her: “God, let’s give her a perky B cup with bright pointy nipples.”
I honestly don’t remember if she said pointy or pink, but erm, either way, this was going downhill fast.
Her, continuing: “How about shoe size? What would you like a 5 or 5 and a half?”
Me: “8.”
Her: “Oh no, you want to go down. 5 or 5 and a half?”
Me: “Okay, 5 and a half.”
Her: “Okay God, do you hear me? Now lets give her nice naturally rosy cheeks and pink lips.”
She either pauses for a bit now, or I space out a bit and check to see if anyone is at the fucking to-go counter yet. They’re not. And now the big kicker comes.
Her: “I tell you what,” she says to me with a big grin, “I’m going to write you a cashier’s check!”
Me: “Okay.”
Her: “Now what’s your name?”
I should have made something up, but fuck, I was frazzled! Me: “Jaclyn”
Her: “Spell that–J-A-C-K–”
Me: “No, J-A-C-L”
Her: “J-A-C-K”
Me: “LYN”
Her: “Okay God, do you have that. We’re going to make it out to Jacklyn. I’m going to write you a check for one trillion million dollars.”
I am not making this up. One trillion million dollars. At this point someone is at the to-go counter. She’s still babbling to God about writing me this check. I pay for my food and as I turn to leave,
Her: “Do you have time to sit down?”
Me: “No, I really need to go…”
Her: “Can you wait in your car a minute? I’ll be there in just a minute.”
Me: “Okay.”
She then goes up and orders an iced tea or something and I bolt my fucking ass out of there as fast as I can move. I turn the engine on and peel out without putting on my seatbelt or glasses until I’m already moving.
Most likely she’s just a harmless old lady with severe mental problems, but hell, you never know with crazy people, and I didn’t want to stick around to find out. I was both as amused and creeped out as I’ve ever been.
It’s bothering me a bit now that I couldn’t think up a fake name. And that she saw me in my car? Hopefully she’s just senseless crazy and has already forgotten about me. I’m crossing my fingers anyway.
SO HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? Can you top that? I motherfucking doubt it!